Sunday, December 7, 2014

Quantum Physicists at Ooskian University confirm that Katie is female

The damning evidence 
Quantum physicists that have been utilizing the research facilities at Ooskian University have concluded and are preparing to publish a study that seems to indicate that Katie is, in fact, a girl. By means of blood testing, DNA analysis, and a controversial method of reversing quantum entanglement known as 'Devito-ing', the team of scientists reportedly uncovered two complete X chromosomes. Menstrual blood and other substances organically found in the female body have also been uncovered and are currently being observed in a separate facility overseas as the Ooglestonian Academy in Russia.

A diagram demonstrating 'Devito-ing'
A routine scanning of the body also uncovered physical traits and organs found in the female anatomy exclusively, such as the associated reproductive organs. An in depth examination of the flesh revealed that the organs were not synthesized and have been attached to Katie since birth.

The research was funded by the Gonilocian government, the Magnificent Clown Industries (TMCI), and a private investor known as 'KC', and was supported by the International League of Heather Mason Look-a-likes (ILHML).

"I have no doubt that this study will prove to be sufficient evidence towards the age-old argument of [identifying the sex of] Katie," asserted Dr. Rigatoni Autopsy, supervisor of the study. "It should also help reduce the taboo of using Devito-ing in a published experiment. However, I think regardless of your stance on either of the two previously mentioned debates, scientists can now turn their attention towards more universally beneficial research, such as how we as a species can shrink Target down to a size where it could theoretically fit inside a choir practice room".

The paper outlining the findings of the Katie examination team is set to be published in the Salty Puppet journal in January of 2015. There will also be a live demonstration and explanation of the data at the Hall of Small Horse Shirts at some point this month.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Opinion: Malcolm X was a Real World Super Villain

PLEASE NOTE! This is an opinion piece and while it isn't satirical, I understand why some may disagree.

Obviously, not an actual quote. 
As one of the most prominent figures of the American Civil Rights movement, Malcolm Little (later changed to Malcolm X) without a doubt had a significant impact on the perspective of Americans. He rose from oppression and stirred up the black community, encouraging them all to do the same as him and fight back against racism. In general, this concept sounds like a positive thing. It certainly had a positive outcome in practice, but if you were to analyze the writings of Malcolm X or listen to just one or two of his speeches, you might be inclined to question his motives. For those unfamiliar with Malcolm X, he believed that African Americans needed to stand up for themselves and essentially defeat the white Americans. He was what some may call a radical. 

"If you're not ready to die for it, put the word 'freedom' out of your vocabulary." - Malcolm X

Yes, Malcolm X encouraged violence. Not senseless violence, of course, but violence in self defense, violence that would earn African Americans the respect that they deserve. Although this contrasts heavily with Martin Luther King Jr's philosophy of non-violence, it's a valid ideal nonetheless. But it does capture one undeniable aspect of Malcolm X: He was bitter. He was fed up with the hatred expressed towards him and the way that white Americans believed themselves to be superior. Hell, his home in Michigan was burned to the ground by white supremacists. Malcolm X was angry at the white community and needed to release all his pent up fury. 

So, let's review: Malcolm X grew up oppressed and beat down on, and in adolescence he rose up and viciously targeted that which once brought him so much pain. Sound familiar? It should, because it's the formula for the origin story of countless superheroes and, respectively, super villains. They grow up mistreated only to seek redemption for something wrong that they witnessed or experienced. But then why is Malcolm X a super villain and not a superhero? To put it simply, because Malcolm X was a racist. 

Not the prettiest of statements to make, I know. But if you read between the lines in history, Malcolm X believed in black supremacy and incited a particularly violent agenda for African Americans. Many people would argue that it's impossible for a black man to be racist, or that it's impossible for someone who has been oppressed to later oppress those who put him down initially. This is an incredibly ignorant thing to believe and is stated only by those desperate to seem politically correct. Malcolm X was a racist, there is no doubt about that. I don't blame him for being racist, though; when you take into consideration his childhood in which he was relentlessly abused because of his skin color, it's easy to see why he believed the things he did. Still, that doesn't make it justifiable to demonize an entire race. 

Malcolm X was, as I said before, a radical. A radical who gained sympathy from George Lincoln Rockwell, the founder of the American Nazi party. I think that statement speaks for itself. Malcolm X did good things for the black community, and I'm glad that he did what he did. But when someone's actions parallel those of the super-powered antagonist archetype, maybe you need to look a little deeper into history. The name 'Malcolm X' doesn't make him sound any less malicious, either. In fact, it makes him sound like an evil android. For those unaware, the reason his last name is X is because he didn't want to be associated with the last name 'Little', which wasn't tribal and given to slaves to Americanize them. I'm just saying, it sounds like a comic book villain's name. 

Malcolm X was a real world super villain, but after making his Islamic pilgrimage he did a complete 180 on his beliefs, eventually forgiving the white man and endorsing universal equality. He deserves his high place in history and I'm glad that he did what he did, but if DC Comics or Marvel were ever in need of a new storyline, Malcolm Little's life would translate to the pages of a comic very easily. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lootcrate Review: October 2014 - Fear

WARNING: This review contains spoilers for the October 2014 Lootcrate. Obviously.

I've been a big fan of Lootcrate ever since I first joined in July of this year. For those unfamiliar with the service, Lootcrate is a monthly box filled with pop culture collectibles and other cool stuff chosen to fit a certain theme (Villains, Heroes, Galactic, etc). This month, in observance of Halloween, the Lootcrate theme is FEAR, being advertised with names like The Walking Dead and Dead Rising.

Initial thoughts

I'm a big horror fan in practically every meaning of the term. Silent Hill 2 is my favorite game of all time, Alien and Silence of the Lambs rank at the top of my favorite movie list, and in general the sensation of fear makes me feel so alive. So, obviously, I'm expecting a lot from this lootcrate. So far I know that there's a Walking Dead comic and a Dead Rising item, neither of which excite me, but I'm still hanging in for a Scarecrow item or a maybe even something Silent Hill related. No matter what, I'm extremely excited to open this crate.


The October Lootcrate contains the following items:

1. The Walking Dead Issue 132 (Lootcrate exclusive variant cover)

I've read a couple dozen issues of the Walking Dead comic series, and it's very enjoyable. An alternate cover of the latest issue is a solid collectible, especially for such a popular series. My only quarrel with this cover is that instead of making the image something interesting like they did with the Rocket Raccoon comic book from the Villains crate, this cover is just a zombie wearing a Lootcrate shirt. Not exactly exciting, but hey, it's cool.

 2. Dead Rising 3 Sledgesaw Hammer Pen

Now this is where I started to get a little upset. Okay, I get it, Capcom is trying to hype the PC release of Dead Rising 3. But that's not something that Lootcrate should just sit down and take. Dead Rising isn't a very loved franchise; I'd be very surprised if you could find me a die hard fan of the games. And not only that, but the game is a terrible representation of fear, because you get insanely overpowered weapons and kill zombies in the funniest and craziest ways you can think of. As for the actual item, it's okay. I mean, it's just a pen. It looks kind of cool, but it's hard to display and definitely not something that I'm going to be using often.

3. 'How to Survive a Sharknado' Book

Once again, a terrible representation of fear. Sharknado is a satirical movie that no one takes seriously, and it definitely doesn't invoke fear. So besides that being a stupid choice for the theme, I actually really like the book. It's an encyclopedia of fictional weather and monsters, complete with descriptions, danger levels, and tips on surviving them. Pretty interesting read and I do like the item, but I don't like that it took up the space of something that could have been actually fear related.

4. 'Death by Kitten' shirt

This shirt is probably what pissed me off the most. I was expecting something pop culture related for the shirt, maybe something from a classic Slasher film. Hell, if I had my way it would have been a Silent Hill shirt. But a skull made of kittens? That'd be a fantastic inclusion if the theme were 'Cringeworthy Novelty Bullshit'. But no, the theme is fear. You could argue that since it's a skull it's a good inclusion for Halloween, but really, it's lame. I'm still going to wear the shirt, don't get me wrong; it's not as if it's the most blasphemous thing I've ever seen. I'm not mad, Lootcrate, I'm just disappointed.

5. SuperEmoFriends Art Print 

Okay, I lied. THIS is what pissed me off the most. It is nothing more than a slab of cardboard with some cartoon printed on it. Not even anything special, just something you'd expect out of a 16 year old Tumblr artist. Oh, and did I forget to mention that it spoils the Walking Dead for you? Lovely, Lootcrate, simply lovely.

6. 'Smite' in-game Jack the Reaper skin

I've never heard of the game 'Smite' before, so this item is irrelevant. It's an exclusive skin for the game, and for the players, that's pretty neat. It's not like I can complain, it is what it is, and I can't use it. Still though, a very nice small touch to the crate.

7. Slashes and Bites Tattoos

Incredibly generic, yes, but you can't go wrong with tattoos. I don't know about the other looters, but I'm definitely gonna be trying some of these out in the near future.

8. Toxic Waste candy

Not fear related, true, but who's gonna complain about candy? It's only one piece, but Hell, it's better than nothing. 


I can say without hesitation that this is the worst Lootcrate I've ever gotten. It's not terrible, but it's really not great either. Besides the Walking Dead items, there's nothing really fear related here. Nothing Scarecrow related, nothing horror movie related, and even though Capcom was involved, they chose Dead Rising over Resident Evil. It seems to me like Lootcrate just picked the theme Fear because they assumed it would be synonymous with Halloween, but damn if it didn't set me up for massive disappointment. I'd just like to say this: Stick with your theme. Your theme this year was fear, but the only thing that really follows that is the Walking Dead comic. Dead Rising is about destroying zombies in crazy and funny ways, not about fear at all. Sharknado is a satire movie. The rest of the stuff... well, the shirt is like the opposite of fear. I got this crate because I'm a horror fan, not a 14 year old hipster.


Sunday, September 21, 2014

Let's Get Cynical! The Fappening II: Electric Boogaloo

PLEASE NOTE: Let's Get Cynical! is not intended to be a collection of rational thoughts, but rather a quick rant concerning my immediate reactions and afterthoughts. Please respond accordingly. 

I knew this day would come eventually, but not so soon.... never so soon....

Unfortunately for female celebrities, it would seem that even more naked photos have been leaked to the internet by the hands of an anonymous hacker. Multiple hackers, most likely, but it's not like I have any way of knowing. He was probably a systems administrator...

Anyway, this time around the targets are Vanessa Hudgens. Kim Kardashian, Rihanna, Avril Lavigne, and Kate Cuoco, as well as some familiar faces such as Jennifer Lawrence and Victoria Justice. Personally, I don't even give a damn anymore, it's not like I can say anything that hasn't been said. What you're doing is evil and invasive and all that shit, but I'm fairly certain most participants are content with that. If you're looking for a more in-depth response, feel free to check out my initial reaction to the Fappening. After your done drowning your hard drives in obscene selfies, that is.

I'm honestly not sure how to feel about all this. I can't really blame the celebrities for taking the photos in the place (unless their passwords were 'password' instead of 'pa$sword'), and 4chan is anonymous so there's no individual I can really direct any of my feelings towards. I can blame the general public for encouraging this kind of stuff... wait, no I can't.

All I can say is this:

Enjoy your prey, you goddamned vultures. Just make sure the bloodstains don't set in as deep as they did in the Fappening Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Youtube Update: Official Goniloc Theme Song and New Stefan Sketch

What's up, fan(s)! It's been a while since my last video, and I apologize for the bite-sized hiatus. However, I return bearing good news: Courtesy of Chandler Myers, a musician I met on the internet cesspool known as Reddit, Goniloc now has an official theme song. Inspired by the soundtracks of horror games such as Amnesia and Outlast, this 30-second beauty will be playing at during the credits of nearly every Goniloc video from here on out. The Goniloc theme song is featured at the end of 'Anti-Drug PSA', the 9th Stefan sketch, which you can view in the embedded player below. You can go have a listen right now! Unless you're deaf. Or your computer/device doesn't have functioning speakers.

As you may have noticed, the Magnificent Clown played a prominent role in this video. The final installment in the Magnificent Clown saga is underway, but due to intense creative differences between the clown and I, it's taking a rather long time. I've got a whole bunch of stuff planned for October that I may or may not follow through with, so be sure to stay tuned to my Youtube channel and this putrid, rotting mass of words that I call my blog for the latest news! Until then, don't die. That's just a suggestion, though, don't take it too seriously.

- Goniloc

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Let's Get Cynical! 'The Fappening' and #LeakforJLaw

PLEASE NOTE: Let's Get Cynical! is not intended to be a collection of rational thoughts, but rather a quick rant concerning my immediate reactions and opinions. Please respond accordingly. 

Earlier today, private photos of many celebrities (I'd give a solid number, but more are being added as I type) were leaked to the internet collectively. When I say private, I think you all know damn well what I mean. Celebrities such as Victoria Justice, Ariana Grande, Kate Upton, and Jennifer Lawrence have all been victimized by an alleged hacker who collected all the nude photos and uploaded them to 4chan and it has since spread all over the internet. I'm still trying to grasp this whole situation myself, to be honest. How exactly does something like this happen? As much as I hate to admit it, that's very impressive hacking work; not everyone can collect private, supposedly deleted photos from famous people and leak them to the internet all at the same time. Then again, I suppose that's why it's such a big deal, and why August 31st, 2014 has been dubbed "The Fappening".

Most people's first impressions of "The Fappening" are positive, even celebratory. And while it may seem that way at first, you need to consider that each celebrity is an individual, and these were all private pictures. It's one thing when a celebrity does that purposely, or even when one celebrity has a single photo leaked, but when literally hundreds of naked pictures of stars with otherwise clean records get stolen, it's a humongous invasion of privacy. I can't even begin to imagine how Jennifer Lawrence feels, as she was already hounded by fans online. Victoria Justice has even begun claiming that all the leaked pictures of her are fake (which was quickly shot down by a redditor who found similarity between the faceless nudes and photoshoot pictures of the star). Overall, it's kind of... gross, really. Even worse, the hacker is probably viewing his or her self as a Robin Hood type figure, stealing nudes from the rich, and giving to the masses. I haven't linked any of the obscene pictures of the celebrities, and I don't intend to. If you want to see the images, it's a google search away. But I advise you consider the celebrities feelings on this first.

Now, the leak is certainly a bad thing in general, and naturally, fans would want to comfort and reassure their idols. Sounds like a great idea, right? Let's go show our support for our celebrities in need! And that's the thinking that helped created #LeakforJLaw, which is quite possibly the most idiotic way anyone could respond to this. Basically, the logic behind #LeakforJlaw is that if women everyone post nude pictures of themselves online, it will drown out the hype around Jennifer Lawrence's nudes and make this whole situation not seem like such a big deal. Which is of course what happened, right? Heh, NOPE. All that happened was 'The Fappening' got more publicity and girls quick to jump on the bandwagon have screwed themselves over (but, in the process, gained hundreds of followers). I cannot even imagine the type of person you'd need to be to think that #LeakforJLaw would be effective. A common argument is "How dare you try and shame women's bodies!". It's not that it's disgraceful, it's just the principle... it's flawed at it's core and really doesn't make much sense. But hey, now a bunch of male and lesbian redditors have more material to download.

If people want to show off their naked bodies on the internet, I fully support that. You go right ahead, #LeakforJLaw participaters. But that doesn't change the fact that all the celebrities involved in the initial wave of 'The Fappening' never gave permission for this pictures to be distributed online. And things like mindless twitter campaigns and mongoloid TMZ reporting will only make this ordeal last a solid week longer than it needs to. The entire situation is wild, wacky, and super dooper quacky. I'm not sure who else will be violated, if the hacker will get caught, or if anything else notable will come out of this, but I do know that this calls for some reminders of basic modern human behavior:

1. Respect people's privacy. Seriously, consider the feelings of the celebrities, love them or hate them (Hell, I don't even know half of them).

2. If you're comfortable displaying your naked body and you want to do it in an appropriate environment, go ahead. But be aware of anything else you might be causing in doing so.

3. Don't... be stupid? Yeah, don't be stupid. Don't take naked photos of yourself that you don't want leaked on the internet, because if you're famous, they will be. Don't steal private photos of people just for the Hell of it. Don't support the stealing of private photos. If you get paid to manage millions of people's photos (coughcoughApplecoughcough), you better make damn sure that they don't get breached this easily. And for the love of salmonella, if you don't support the hacking, don't give it attention by posting more nudes in that context!

This has been half-assed public service announcement from Goniloc. What's your stance on 'The Fappening'? Good or bad? And would you ever consider supporting someone in a way similar to #LeakforJLaw? Leave a comment below. That's an order.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Eminem Teases New Album Release, 'Shady XV'

Along with the recent release of his new single 'Guts Over Fear', Eminem has officially announced the November 24th release date of his newest album, titled 'Shady XV'. The album is a celebration of Slim Shady Records, containing hit songs from throughout the label's entire discography (including artists such as Eminem, 50 cent, D12, Bad Meets Evil, etc) as well as songs that are "Ooh damn, Jeremy, don't touch those yet, they're piping hot, fresh out of the oven" songs by all the artists. Shady XV will contain two discs (or albums, if you're a digital Damascus dingarooni): one composed of the previously released songs, and an entire album dedicated to new material.

Well, let's start off with the positive side of things: SLIM SHADY IS BACK IN TOWN, BOYS! That's right, Slim Shady (hotter than a set of twin babies) is back in action, hitting the high road at all time record-smashing speeds. Zooming faster than Lightning McQueen's dad on heroin, Eminem comes chugging down the tracks to drop some sizzle-sizzle crackle tea kettle tunes for the whole family. Eminem is easily one of my favorite musical artists of all time, so I'm very excited to hear his new stuff. But I have some many questions: Is Dre producing this? Is this what the rumored third D12 album is? Will Donkey Kong be featured in a song on this album? Why is Ricardo still reading this article?

However, all the excitement aside, I do have two major concerns. The first one is trivial; I didn't enjoy the Marshall Mathers LP 2 that much because of how 'pop' it sounded. The songs were still fine, but the album as a whole felt kind of empty. Plenty of people enjoyed it, though, and even if Eminem's songs aren't that great, more D12 and 50 cent is always a good thing. My other concern is on a different scale: With the way Eminem and Shady Records is dealing with this album, they're making it seem like a goodbye. Leaving the music industry 15 years after establishing a label would be a high note for Eminem to go on, and he has been talking a lot lately about how he's not as popular and what not. I'm personally okay with Eminem leaving as is, but I recognize that this sentiment is not universally shared. But what the Hell do I know, I'm just a low-budget hemophiliac with big dreams.